I’ve spent my whole life treating myself like I was an embarassing relative no one really wants at the party.

Honestly, it's getting old.

This morning I was looking at an old journal I had filled in 2014, and I found an entry from a Sunday afternoon, after I left a beautiful house church I was a part of. This is what it said:

April 26, 2014

Today I was really struggling with guilt. I don't even really know what the matter was, but I just couldn't bring myself to participate this morning…I couldn't sing, couldn't pray, couldn't look people in the eye. While we were singing, Andrew came up to me, hugged me tight like a papa would, kissed the top of my head and whispered to me, "You're carrying something that doesn't belong to you. I can see it.  If a kid makes a mess, the father shouldn't be mad. They are a kid. They make messes. Instead, a good father would just help you clean up and move on. Satan is robbing you of your joy by making your carry something that isn't even yours. You know, Rach. There's a big difference between simply being a Christian and being a Son. You're not acting like a daughter right now. You're even robbing others of Christ by being silent. You are wild and unique, and we need you in the Body. Your wildness is nothing to be ashamed of or feel guilt over."

ooh. I'll just leave that there. 

Yesterday I was listening to podcasts while creating, and I heard a wise man say this: 

God doesn't heal us because He wants to use us.
We aren't tools. 
He heals us because He loves us, 
and then He invites us to play.

I'm learning to be myself, to be real, and not be ashamed if all I do is show up. I'm learning that my worth isn't based on performance or my ability to keep my life looking beautiful. Its not even about my usefulness, or my ability to respond well. 

I'm not really sure where I'm going with all of this, which is ending up looking more like a journal entry than anything, but you are worth loving, worth knowing, and worth sticking with because then we get to rejoice together at the end.

I was talking to a friend about all of this, and she said, "Living with [God] is really an exchange. You take the love and goodness, drop the other stuff, and live worthy. Because you are"

you are worthy.

you are worthy now,
you were worthy then.

you are just as worthy when you climb out of bed as when you get back in,
teeth brushed and accomplished in your work,

you are just as worthy when you haven't done a single thing,
although you may get more high fives when you've been busy
(but I like it better when you're not so busy)

your worth is big
and your words are heavy with gold,
so keep speaking and loving.

but even if you never speak again,
you're still worthy.